This is the second part of an e-mail that I sent to my friend who was feeling very anxious about work. She thought she was being pushed out and abandoned. Maybe she was being paranoid, or maybe she wasn’t. The first part of the email, introducing David Rock’s SCARF model is here.
This then, is the good news; what to do about it. And it’s all about taking control.
What Do You Do About A Work Place That Feels Threatening?
1. This is SO important. The feelings are caused by hormones. They are not the reality. If you were to get drunk and feel like you could fly that would also not be real.
What you need to do is manage the hormones by a) taking any medication that you are on b) getting exercise, sleep and good nutrition c) managing the things that are triggering the hormones d) accepting that the triggers are not helping and telling your brain
“just shut up! I’ve got this thank you; pumping cortisol around is not helping. Brain – wind your neck in!”
2. Get really honest with yourself about a whole host of things.
S – What is your self-worth? Writing out/updating your C.V. might be a good exercise right now. Your worth is not linked to how well you are being treated; they are separate things. What are your skills and aptitudes, what experience do you have etc.? Also, who loves you? Why do they love you? Are they stupid? No. So what is it about you that is lovable, useful, clever, needed?
C – The future is a scary place when we don’t know what it is. So sit down and write out some possible scenarios. What might happen realistically? Winning the lottery is not a plan, by the way. What can you do to make the best of those scenarios? What can you do now to prepare? (You will notice that none of the realistic, likely scenarios include an axe murderer turning up and yet that’s what your brain is preparing you for.)
A – What CAN you take control of? Look at all of the things you make decisions about. You’ve got this. You are not helpless; you have skills and abilities. Take some control and you will feel better; your brain needs this. Ignore the stuff that you can’t do. What CAN you do?
R – Part of the problem is that you don’t feel safe with your work colleagues. But again, they are not about to attack with an axe. Contributing to this situation is being left out of the loop as far as information goes. So you need to be a bit demanding for some information. More of that later.
F – This situation doesn’t feel fair. But actually it might be. The problem is that you don’t know.
And another thing…
…your self-perception may be part of the problem. What do you believe about yourself that is not helping? If we believe that we are helpless, stupid, mentally unstable, incapable etc. etc. etc. then to act differently takes quite an effort, because it goes against our habitual thinking – and habits are tricky little blighters. They are like bits of software code that give us short cuts. The habit of brushing our teeth the same way each morning stops us wasting mental processing power each morning. Habits are good. But our unhelpful beliefs (unhelpful habitual thinking patterns) are not and they are also unlikely to be true.
The Action Plan – this is about getting some balance, reality, control and options.
When you are feeling anxious about work, or anything for that matter, it helps to take control. An action plan works wonders (if only to trick our brain into chillin’)
- Write out a list of at least 10 things about yourself that you like; this will help to re-balance your self-perception. This may take a lot of effort. Do it!
- If you can come up with 10 easily, that’s great; write 10 more. If you struggle to find 3, then this is at the heart of the problem; you are undermining yourself. Persist. Put the list down and come back to it later. Anyone who knows you well could write a list about you of thirty things without even breaking into a sweat. So write the list. This may be the most important thing you do.
- Update your C.V – thinking about yourself in the third person can be really helpful too.
- Start to look about to see what other companies you could work for; just see what is out there. It will give you a sense that there are options; that feels better than feeling trapped.
- Now consider those future scenarios. What might happen? Write them down. Doing this helps your brain (specifically the limbic system) understand properly what the threat is and also assures your brain that you are in control. Having it on paper can help you park it rather than keep going over and over the “what ifs.”
- Now write an e-mail to your company and ask politely but assertively for information. You have a right to be kept informed.
- Get someone to read it. Then press send.
- Add more to the list.
- You’ll be full of adrenaline so go for a walk to use it up. Then relax.
If this doesn’t generate a good response, then it’s time to look for another job. Instead of feeling anxious about work, imagine that; not working there anymore!